We hate Prince George
"Call the dogs off? What a joke!"
The Major smacked down his tightly-rolled copy of the Times on Tyler's kitchen table. But for the fact that he already got there some time ago, it sounded like he was being driven to drink.
"It's precisely because of people like the Chief Druid that we've got into this situation in the first place! Listen, the reason we have such contempt for our MPs is not because we're paying for their duck fetishes and porno films - we expect that. No - it's because they have such contempt for us! They don't give a stuff what we want! Never have!"
Take crime. That appalling case of those poor kiddies in Hackney. One child tortured to death, and the rape of a two-year old - a two year old! Unbelievable! Yet, when it comes to punishing the scum that did it, all they get is a few years in some cushty PFI holiday camp.
Out here, most of us want to string 'em up. In fact, we never wanted to abolish the drop in the first place. It was our MPs that did that - against our wishes! And look at the murder rate now - three times what it was back in the 50s!
Take what happened to the Listeners' Law - that dreadful twok Pound pushing his way onto the wireless, faithfully promising that he'd table in Parliament whatever law the listeners vote for. But as soon as they vote for the Tony Martin shoot-burglars law - well, bugger me - he vetoes it, literally calling the listeners a bunch of bastards. How dare he treat us with such contempt!?!! Who does he think he is!!
No, if anyone has brought democracy into contempt, it's not the Telegraph, or the Barclays, or that woman on Question Time - it's our MPs, and the rest of the ruling elite, including the Druid.
We need to change things all right! We need to make our MPs accountable to us, not their party leaders. And if that means electing Esther whatshername... hmm... well, maybe not her... and certainly not that sanctimonious white suit man. But somebody like our Club Secretary - very good man - he wouldn't forget us once up there.
Did you mention a drink?"
The yawning void (do they yawn?) between us and our ruling elite has been blown wide open. So you'd kinda think they'd have gleaned we aren't hailing them, but hating them.
But as we discovered with the unappealing Andrew MacKay, it doesn't work like that. Even in current circs, they have huge difficulties even understanding us (can he really have thought his meeting with constituents had gone well?).
We are all crying out for an immediate election to secure some proper representation. But the elite haven't quite picked up the message.
His Grace tells us to stop now, because further humiliation risks undermining the very foundations of democracy. Labour man Matthew Taylor tells us it would be dangerous to have an election because we've already got the most motivated possible set of MPs to sort out the mess. Labour ministers (various) tell us we can't have an election because it will distract Gordo's attention from the quite superb job he's doing managing of our economy.
We clearly want, and need, an election soonest to eliminate the worst of the sleazebags - without that, nobody has any moral authority to change anything.
But we also need be a lot clearer about why we actually need MPs.
At present, they are a malfunctioning electoral college whose purpose is to select a Prime Minister. But in Tyler's New World Order (TNWO), we would be electing the PM/President directly, for fixed terms - just like the Yanks and the French. So what then for our MPs?
We'd surely want them to be more than ministers in waiting, focused mainly on plotting their way up the greasy pole. And we'd surely want them to be more than social workers, sorting out housing benefit claims - particularly since in TNWO we'll have decentralised responsibility for welfare and many other public services back down to the local level.
Elected talking heads for Newsnight? Nah - we've already got more than enough of them.
So what then? Why do we need MPs?
Holding government to account - yes, that's it. We need them on select committees grilling ministers on the detail of policy. Yes, for sure.
And scrutinising key legislation. Certainly.
And Tyler would really like to see them reassert their traditional role in controlling government spending - and taxes. When did we last have a serious Parliamentary debate on the government's plans to spend our money? When did Parliament last say No - you can't have that much - you'll have to make do with less?
But our whipped lobby-fodder party hacks are never going to do any of that.
No, to get anywhere along that road, we will need MPs who are much more independent, and much more independently minded. Independent at Westminster.
So how do we manage that?
First, primary elections to loosen the hold of parties and strengthen the hold of local constituents.
Second, many fewer MPs - say 450 - but better paid relative to ministers (obviously the Allowance/hidden salary system goes completely).
Third, no doubling up as minister and MP - if you want to serve as a government minster, you have to resign as an MP. To get more independent MPs we need to split the executive from the legislature - just like in the US.
And fourth... I'm sure there's a fourth, but I've just run out of time on this post.
PS There's a lot of hysterical talk about how all this MP-slagging will end with the ignorant masses electing Adolf Hitler. So the responsible classes must close down further discussion asap. But even we ignorant masses can understand the distinction between our self-serving sleazy MPs and democracy itself. It's only the former we hold in contempt: the latter is what we need to rescue from their clutches.