Mister Speaker, the budget I am presenting today sets the seal on 12 years of unparalleled success for Cuckooland.
Public borrowing has set new records. We have never before borrowed 12.4% of our GDP in peacetime.
Public spending has only ever exceeded 48% of GDP once before - back during the glorious Labour government of the 1970s.
As for taxes, my new 50% tax rate is merely the first step. I am confident that in the next year or two we will be in a position to raise it further. Our long-term goal being to re-establish the 95% rate Cuckooland enjoyed before the Evil Thatch appeared.
Now, I know that the moaning minnie doubters will tell you I am being too optimistic.
They will say that Cuckooland will not achieve the 3.25% pa growth rate I am forecasting, and that my higher taxes will cause a mass exodus of entrepreneurs and brainpower.
They will say my public spending efficiency savings are pie in the sky.
They will say that I am hugely underestimating the cost of nationalising the banks, and that spiralling debt interest costs will drag Cuckooland beneath the waves.
To which I say, cuckoo.
Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo.
What a shambles:
- Debt explosion - even on Darling's figures, debt on the Maastricht definition is forecast to be 90.7% of GDP by 2013-14 (against a Maastricht limit of 60%) - and ludicrously, that excludes anything for the cost of bank bailouts
- Wildly optimimistic growth assumptions - no mainstream forecaster is anywhere near Darling's assumption of 1.25% growth next year and 3.25%pa thereafter. Tyler's fag packet says that taking the IMF's latest growth forecasts instead would add about £30bn pa to Darling's borrowing forecast by 2013-14
- Wildly optimistic bank bailout assumptions - Darling's borrowing forecasts exclude any losses, even though he reckons the cost will be 3.5% of GDP; worse, the real cost will be more like 13% of GDP (£200bn), as forecast by the IMF yesterday
- Wildly optimistic public spending assumptions - Darling factors in £15bn pa of spending cuts, but they're in the form of Gershon "efficiency savings", the ultimate Marx Bros funny money.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again - I simply cannot understand why you idiots out there elected these appalling people.