Some Bleedin' Idiot Wrecked Our Country

A searing indictment of today's Britain by an eminent QC

You turn your back for a decade, and the country goes to the dogs. I mean, take crime. Oh yes, the government tells us crime is coming down and our streets have never been safer, but do you believe that? Does anyone believe it?

The Major's quite right. I know for a certain fact that many more young kids are carrying knives and using them. The statistics are not looking at the right areas; they need to broaden what they are looking at. I mean, so far this year, 31 young people have been stabbed to death. In London alone, 17 teenagers have died as a result of gun or knife crime. How's that been allowed to happen? It's a bleedin' disgrace.

And what about that prat - I forget his name - who told us we could all have NHS dentists? Don't make me laugh - even if I could with my teeth. Their stupid new contract has actually made it harder to get your gnashers done. Why? Because some bunch of wallies in Whitehall decided to pay the dentists whether or not they actually do any treatment!

A million fewer fillings! Mrs Jenkins had to pull out her own teeth with a nutcracker. Can you believe that?! Almost like when they paid all those doctors to close their surgeries. Closed the friggin' surgeries! Makes you want to cry, honest it does.

And don't get me started on hospitals - I wouldn't go in one, I tell you. And the schools. Jeeesus! No wonder our kids can't read or rite. I read in the paper some kid got nearly full marks just 'cos he could write Eff Off.

Well, I'd like to know who voted for 'em in the first place. I didn't, I'll tell you that! I voted for that bloke with the smile and the beautiful talented wife.

PS So why is it we have to put up with these busted discredited people even after they've supposedly been hoofed? Cherie has been given her own misery series on C4 to grandstand knife crime, and last night the Prince of Darkness was given an extended slot on Newsnight defending himself against Sarko. Standard operating procedure is clear: when these people go, the Master of the Queen's Vampires is meant to drive a stake straight through their black black hearts.