Now, pay attention! Here is some important advice for healthy living, brought to you by the Ministry of Healthy Living.
You must eat five portions of fruit and vegetables every day. Turnips are still plentiful and can be boiled overnight into a nourishing broth. Or why not enjoy them raw as a mid-morning snack? Pay no attention to any idle chit-chat you may hear in the ration queue about how the Ministry's Five-a-Day campaign has been a multi-million pound flop.
You must not become a teenage mother. You should ignore the fact that having a baby is a surefire way of getting a free council flat and state welfare. Also ignore any idle chit-chat you may hear outside the chippy to the effect that the Ministry's £150m safe-sex campaign has been a complete flop and has actually increased teenage pregnancies. While absolutely true, the Ministry's latest advice is to keep a small turnip clamped tightly between your knees at all times.
Finally, you must remember to keep breathing. This is very important, and early in the New Year, the Ministry will be mounting a major campaign to ensure everyone understands just how vital it is. Over the next five years we will be investing £150bn in a National Breathing Awareness Strategy for all primary school pupils at Key Stage 2.
PS Much of the money spent on these hopeless exhortation programmes is given to the advertising industry. They get over £150m pa, making the government Britain's third largest advertiser, behind only Unilever and Procter & Gamble.
PPS The porker advising Britons to eat less is Sir Benjamin Smith, Labour's Minister of Food in 1945.