Thursday, September 27, 2007

Quad Race

Over a sumptuous bucket of spicey wings at Chicken Cottage, the Major's fiendishly brainy friend Herr Doctor Professor Franz Kuntz explained our real problem. It turns out we're simply in the wrong quadrant.

Carefully avoiding the smears of Lemon Chilli Sauce, he helpfully drew the diagram on his napkin (above).

According to Kuntz, the Major and I (Us) are on the North West Frontier- we want small government but tough laws against criminals. Traditionally, people like us would have voted Tory because that's where the Tories were.

Trouble is, the Tories under Dave have zipped down to the South East- Butskellite Big Government coupled with Huga Hoodie. True, they haven't quite caught up with the Lib Dems, but that's only because under Ming the LDs have moved even further South East (they're now down on the coast just outside Dover, with Calais the next stop).

Meanwhile Brown has moved much further North, with popular talk of crack downs on gun-toting foreigners and giving us some variant of the Tony Martin law. QED. The Major and I might not like Big Government, but logically we should vote for Brown because at least he's in our half of the diagram on crime.

The Major got quite agitated and managed to slop banana shake over the front of his cavalry twills. "Now look here, Kuntz. The man's a blackguard! He never delivers what he promises. It's all very well for you, sitting out there at the University of Waikiki Beach fanned by dusky maidens and dreaming up all these diagrams, but we have to live with his lies and all-round incompetence!"

"My dear Major, there's no point in getting emotional. Do you really think any of them will keep their promises? Do you imagine for one moment that any of them could deliver the managerialist wonderland on which Big Government depends for success?" Kuntz's thick maggoty fingers scooped up another wodge of cajun wedges. "Besides, they're not dusky." He smiled obscenely, a dribble of ketchuped saliva running down his chin.

It was all very unsettling, I can tell you. Brand decontamination has got a lot to answer for.

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