Monday, April 02, 2007

Balls Badly Scorched In Pants Inferno

Gob: too much welly

In what officials are calling a "tragic accident", assistant Town Liar, Eddie "The Liar" Gob, has had his balls reduced to a blackened crisp.

Gob, previously seen as one of Britain's most exciting new lying prospects, only turned professional a couple of years back. But sadly, his inexperience was cruelly exposed on Saturday when he turned out in the regional finals of Strictly Come Lying.

Dancing to an upbeat new number,"We never screwed Britain's pensioners with that tax grab, which was intended solely to support British industry, and anyway even if we did it was only because we were asked to by the CBI, and anyway, the Tories started it, and they eat babies as well", he threw himself into his routine. Indeed, so energetic was his performance, he several times danced on even while "referee" Jim "One of Us" Naughty was trying to slip in another supportive comment.

Alas, he gave his whole routine far too much welly. Watching it, the studio audience must have felt quite sick.

And somehow, he seemed to have forgotten the Golden Rule of Lying- never lie about something that can be easily disproved.

So not only were his fabricated numbers immediately exposed, but the CBI jury member jumped up to contradict Gob's account of what they'd asked for. As any saloon bar expert will tell you, at this level, you just can't afford to make basic mistakes like that.

It was all over in a literal flash. With a mighty roar Gob's pants erupted in a fireball, and he went down in ignominy. No wonder the audience booed- they'd been led to expect he was the great white hope of British lying, and they'd come to see a world class performance.

At one time of course, fire and ambulance would have been on the scene in minutes. But under new NHS Excellence in Healthcare facilitation protocols, nothing could be done until the office reopened at 10 am on Monday.

Too late for Gob: this morning informed sources are saying his once magnificent balls are a total write-off. And it's looking very much as if he'll join the great scrap-heap of other once fancied British "champs", such as Steve "Liar's Liar" Byers.

PS The CBI rebuttal is here. And the FT's Nick Timmins has a go at the case for the defence here. Later today I'll post the full Balls interview, with annotations.
PPS Besides the destruction of our pension funds, do remember the other great effect of Gordo's 1997 dividend tax grab. Whereas Balls still maintains the idea was to encourage companies to retain profits for reinvestment, the real world result- widely predicted at the time- was that it became more attractive for companies to fund themselves by issuing debt rather than equity. Hence the huge growth in debt funded private equity take-overs (see this blog). The naivety of government policy makers never ceases to amaze.

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