Thursday, March 01, 2007

Giant Maggots Eating NHS

NHS bureaumaggots at work

The Rev Maddy "Mad" Moon MP has made a discovery that by any normal standards would be horrific: Giant Maggots are eating the NHS.

Yet such is the state of the benighted beast, she reckons they're doing us all a Big Favour:

"The maggots only go for rotten flesh. They don't eat pristine flesh. That's what we are interested in.

Maggots will save the patient from having to have loads of antibiotics and they won't have side-effects. The worst anyone would feel is a slight itching sensation. I think they should be used more. Hopefully this debate will open a few eyes."

It's certainly opened our eyes, Your Madness. For one thing it explains the results of today's Health Service Journal survey of NHS trust Chief Execs. In their desperate attempts to clean up the Commissar's gangrenous finances, CEO maggots are gorging themselves on rotten flesh. The trouble is they seem to be tucking into the pristine stuff as well:

  • 73 per cent of primary care trusts are already restricting access to treatments
  • half are delaying operations
  • 61 per cent of acute hospital trusts are closing wards
  • half of trusts are making redundancies
  • seven out of 10 CEOs say "patient care will suffer"

No wonder 86% of them say morale is rock bottom, and that they're "battered and bruised" by the never-ending top-down reorganisations. And that's the maggots themselves talking, remember.

Thank God Britain doesn't depend on the NHS for anything important. Like its healthcare say.

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