Sunday, March 12, 2006

Duke And Duchess Of Tyler

Mrs T has always had ideas above her station, and she's now instructed me to buy a peerage. Everyone else seems to be getting them, so why haven't we? Of course, I've explained we don't have a spare mill to give Charlie Falconer, but she's convinced I must have a few offshore accounts kicking around that I haven't bothered to mention. Don't all husbands do that these days?

Obviously I'm looking for a deal, so I began on ebay. They're complete rubbish- all they offer under "peerage" are various old copies of Burkes Peerage and a number of bizarre brass items.

The International Commission on Nobility and Royalty is much better. True, they start off with a load of guff about protecting "the field of nobility and royalty from modern day pirates who impersonate, and by their fraudulent declarations defame, those who hold authentic titles and valid claims". But cutting to the chase, the say:

"Members who contribute large sums of money will be given the designation of diplomates and fellows of the Commission--our highest non-royal, non-noble status if they contribute $2,500 or more. All contributing $5,000 or more will be given the status of high diplomates and fellows. To remain...only requires the yearly payment of continued membership fees."

Well, five grand a year is certainly more do-able than the Falconer route. But "high diplomate"...does Mrs T actually get to wear the robes and that? Sounds unlikely, and on closer inspection it seems we'd have somehow to prove we're descended from ancient nobility. Clearly there's no chance of that for us peasants, so we need to look elsewhere.

The outright winner is the service offered by Prince Douglas at the Principality of St. Michel de Clermont: "Have you ever dreamed of becoming a Knight or a Dame - perhaps even a Lord or Lady? Do you have a friend, relative or a colleague whom you would like to nominate for such an Honour?"

Yes, this is it. Forget peerages- this guy will make me a Duke: "from the Latin ‘dux’ or ‘dux bellorum’...Dukes are the highest Rank of Nobility below a Prince". A Duke! That beats a poxy bog standard peerage any day. And what's more, the Prince will do it for a grand, all in:

"The Fee of Investiture, including the individually inscribed Certificate plus enrollment and badge with neck riband in the Order of St. Victor is $1500 (US), or Pounds Sterling or Equivalent. There are no annual or additional Fees, ever.. Recipients will receive the badge of the Order with handsome neck riband".

I'm feeling very excited about this. As soon as Mrs T gets back from Tescos I'm going to give her the good news.

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