Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Alan Johnson: Business Leader

"Three letters: wastes a load of money"

Following our earlier post on why we should get rid of DTI, I took a look at Alan Johnson's credentials for leading British business into the Third Millennium. Could they possibly match the Commissar's (from whom he took over at DTI)?

Turns out they're even better:

Born: 1950

Education: left school at 15 with no qualifications

1965-68: Tesco shelf-stacker (nothing wrong with that- see Sir Terry Leahy) and rock band wannabe (another one)

1968-76(?): Postman in Slough (nothing wrong with that- Tyler grew up in Slough...but can't help wondering if Johnson knows which of the bruvvers swiped my 18th birthday card with the £2 postal order from Auntie Dora)

1976(?)-1992: Union of Communication Workers official

1992-1997: General Secretary of CWU, General Council of TUC, Labour National Executive

1997- MP for Hull West (when he was imposed on the safe constituency by Tony Blair 'he knew nothing about Hull, and still does not know the old tyke joke that "the Humber is the arsehole of Britain, and Hull is eight miles up it". Some suggest that Johnson is even further up a certain other arsehole.)

Oh and he's widely rumoured to have been a member of the Communist Party, although he himself says: "I wasn't a Trot. I was more CPGB [Communist Party of Great Britain]. I did consider myself to be a Marxist--I read more chapters of Das Kapital than Harold Wilson." Well, that's OK then.

And now he's spending £5bn of our money every year "facilitating partnerships and promoting fresh thinking between government, businesses, employees, unions, consumers and the scientific community."

And he's third favourite to take over from the Blessed Leader.

Gawd help us.

PS One of his very first acts as Trade and Industry Secretary was to reverse the Commissar's whacky rebranding of the DTI as the the Department for Productivity, Energy and Industry- DPEI. He reckoned 'there was concern about the loss of the word "trade" in the title. "A man with a screwdriver" will replace the sign outside the department's HQ, Mr Johnson told the Financial Times. When pressed he admitted DPEI had prompted "various descriptions...penis and dippy." Another fine testament to the Commissar.

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